F*** My Life

The following confessions are from a website called F*** My Life. It is a hilarious website full of writers who know how to appreciate irony. Some winners are:


Today, I got my first kiss. I'm 56. FML

Today I was at the lake watching a romantic sunset with my boyfriend. He tenderly started touching my thigh, then shaking my leg to the rhythm, while shaking my leg to the J-E-L-L-O theme song. FML

Today I snuck into my boyfriend's house because I have an extra key. I snuck into his bed to sleep with him and noticed how soft his skin was. Turns out, I had been feeling up the girl he had been sleeping with and he was in the bathroom. FML

Today, I received my passport in the mail. They got my birthdate wrong. Then I picked up my birth certificate that I had sent in with the application. Turns out my parents have been celebrating my birthday on the wrong day for 16 years. FML

Today, I had drunk sex with a girl that I barely know. I didn't have a condom and was nervous about getting her pregnant, but she assured me that I could pull out. Right when I was about to pull out, she wrapped her legs around me and yelled : "BE MY BABY'S DADDY!" I couldn't get out in time. FML

Today, my teenage stepdaughters, as a punishment for refusing to buy them iphones, told my wife they saw me in town kissing an attractive blonde and grabbing her ass (all invented). She believed it and i'm single. I've been faithful and feeding the whole family for 10 years. FML